Hello, I have been asked to write for this website, quite why I don't know. I have never written anything like this before so I beg forgiveness beforehand for any dropped clangers!. 

I will start by giving some background of my existence in this vale of tears. I appeared on the scene on the 8th of the 8th 1931, weighing in at a little over two pounds, there may have been incubators at this time but there were certainly not available to me, they say my life was saved by my maternal grandmother who gave me sips of brandy over the first few hours. This explains why I have had a very very low tolerance of strong drink all the rest of my life. Of course I don't remember any of this. I think my first recollection was when I was about two, someone gave me a gas filled balloon which I let go in our kitchen, this then went up and made contact with the hot light-fitting resulting in a satisfying bang. You could say I had arrived!!

It was about this time the medical profession started to take an interest in me as I showed no indication of trying to walk and I wobbled. Now it wasn't until the 1940s that people started talking about Spastics and Cerebral Palsy. In the 30s they had no idea what was wrong with me. As we lived at that time within easy walking distance from Great Ormond Street Children’s Hospital, my Mum pushed me round there once a week. Each week we saw a new Consultant, each one came up with a new idea. I had Rickets, TB, wasting disease, St Vitus dance, mental problems, you name it, I had it. When I got to five years old and still was not walking they almost gave up. I was not worried, I might not walk but boy could I crawl! On one of my last visits to the hospital I was left in a room with a climbing frame fixed on the wall, the temptation was too great! I was found stuck halfway up, I think the consultant was heard muttering; “cant b----y walk. how the b----y hell did he get up there?'” The finish of all this was when they thought I might have Polio and wanted to fit leg irons, at this my old very wise GP, told my father that they were talking rubbish and there was nothing wrong with my legs, just to give me time.....

Just after my fifth birthday, Dr Thom the GP, whose surgery was just on the other side of the road popped in for a cup of tea when on his rounds. On this day Mum was in the kitchen making the tea Dr Thom was sitting by the fire, whilst I was on the other side of the room playing with my toys on the floor, Dr Thom said softly; “Peter look what I’ve got for you come and get it”, holding out a half crown. I got up and walked across the room and was just going to grab the coin when Mum walked in with the tea, saw me standing for the first time and dropped the tea tray with a resounding crash. With the resulting fuss I must have thought, if this is what happens when I walk I’m better off crawling (I didn't get the half crown either). A few months went past and there was a broadcast over the wireless of a big ship being launched, but on the day I had been doing something wrong and had been banished to another room. These were the days when all the family sat round the large box that held the wireless, homemade by the way, by Dad. I was not going to miss this so I walked from the room into our front room which held the wireless. Dad saw me standing in the door but did not say anything but just came and put his arm round me. After this I must have thought, 'Oh! well if I cant beat them, I might as well join them' from then on I walked.

So there you have me, a skinny weird looking, ginger haired six-year old ready for school. It's about time certain things about Cerebral Palsy should be explained, those readers that are already in the know should skip this bit. Cerebral Palsy is caused mainly through lack of oxygen at or near birth, or as in my case premature birth. It can be caused by other factors, but these are the main ones. There is no cure; if you have it you have it for life. That's not to say that nothing can be done to help. There are very wide differences in the type and damage caused. In my case I was fortunate that the effects were quite mild, with only slight erratic movements, and some involuntary movements of facial features. This does not affect me, other people yes, but not me. One other thing that annoys me is, when people say, he is suffering from Cerebral Palsy -you have got it but don't suffer any pain from it, at least I don't, so how do you explain the word suffering? Well I think that's enough of that so will continue with my tales of woe!! I started my schooling at a London County Council school for children classed as Physical Deficient or PDs. This title now would have the PC brigade and the chattering classes out with protest banners, in those days nobody took any notice. The thing I remember mostly about this school was the LCC school meals. Anyone who has eaten one of those will never forget it. I will give you just one example, cabbage. This was boiled and boiled until it was almost black, after draining it was put into trays about 3 ft square, and left to congeal, by the time it got to us kids it could be carved into two inch square blocks which placed on our plates, we had to eat all that was placed in front of us. We had a teacher overseeing to make certain we finished with clean plates.

I seem to be going on too long, so had better skip the rest of my early schooldays, suffice to say that in was somewhat interrupted by World War 2. At the end of the war I joined a senior all boys school by this time the schools were called PH for Physically Handicapped which was a good deal better than the first title. This school was well equipped with workshops for teaching metal work, woodwork, bookbinding, tailoring, typing, cookery as well as all the normal classes. Unlike today I don't think any boy left that school without being able to read, write, or add up. The only thing was on looking back I don't think we were pushed hard enough. It was quite a tough school, if you misbehaved in class you would be more than likely to get a good thump round the ear. The cane was in use quite a lot, we had one master who had a habit of walking up and down between the rows looking over shoulders, if you made a mistake, the first you knew of it was a hard knuckle rapping you on top of your head, with a yell of 'that’s not right boy!'.

My time after school was spent with a like minded group of boys who were very interested in making and operating models of all sorts, the nearest ideal place of this was quite near, Hampstead Heath with model aircraft you are bound to get them stuck in trees, this is were we clashed with the park keepers, who for some reason objected to us climbing trees to retrieve stuck models. There was one very tall keeper who we called Longshanks who always seemed to be haunting us, he rode a bike that had a persistent squeak, and it followed us rather like Captains Hook's Croc. We had other interests, but they all centred round the Heath in some way. I left school at 16 and went for training at Stanmore collage to be a Cabinet maker, now this was not a good idea, even at that age I knew I would never be able to compete in the wood trade I was far too slow. However if the powers that be said go, in those days you went. As you have noticed I had now become a revolting teenager, I managed to find work that gave me some income. Then the fun started. One thing that got me going was for someone to say in a dismissive way, 'You can't do that' it was rather like waving a red rag at a bull, I went and did it fast. All my mates got motor scooters, 'You cant do that' I went out and bought myself a motor scooter, and passed the M/C driving test first time. I had the scooter for a year and then began to find it a bit tame, so sold it and bought a 650 BSA Golden Flash motorbike. I must admit I scared the daylights out on myself on this. It was about this time I discovered girls, 'Yow can't do, Er!' perhaps not. Unfortunately I found that girls, motorbikes and the wonderful British weather just don't mix. I then made a big mistake in buying a three-wheeled car mainly to avoid having to take a further driving test. I spent more time under this car than I did driving it, the bonus was I learnt a good deal about two stroke engines gearboxes driving chains and clutches.

I had set my sights on one particular girl but the first time I offered her a lift home she gave one look at the three-wheeler and refused point blank. I had to think again. I got rid of the three wheeled monstrosity and bought a Austin A30. I passed my car driving test first time again. This paid off as I married that girl, and in the words of the old musical hall song. "We’ve bin togever nar on fer forty years and it don't seem a day too much, there aint a lady living in the land as I’d swap fer me dear old dutch". lf she reads that last bit, I’m in right trouble!!!!

I seem to have got a bit in front of my tale of woe, so will revert back to my teens. I don't want to give the impression that I was exceptional in any way, but first of all there was horse riding. You can't do that! I only fell off twice. Gliding, a couple of my mates booked in for a week's Gliding instruction, ‘You can't do that!’ l went and joined them for a week, did quite well. Sailing, ’You cant do that!’ I went and bought the first of a series of ever-bigger boats. The ‘Yow can’t do that!’ brigade gave up in the end. I should perhaps mention hobbies, I have already mentioned modelling, and whilst I can't compete with pickled sheep, dirty beds, and elephant poo painting, I can at least boast that my seascapes/landscapes are spread over the UK some in Germany, Holland, France, one has even got as far as Tasmania. The woodwork training came in useful for DIY jobs round the house and on the various Yachts I have sailed over the years. I think you have had enough me by now, so will don my straw boater pick up my cane and tell a few corny jokes.

A burglar breaks into a house as he rummages though the living room a small voice says; '”Jesus is watching you”. He looks round can't see anything so carries on, a few moments later, “Jesus is watching you'”. He takes no notice. When it happens the third time he sees a curtain in the corner behind which is a parrot. “Hello”, says the burglar, “and what’s your name?” “Moses”, says the parrot. ”That’s a funny name for a parrot”, says the burglar. “Not as funny as calling a Rotweiler Jesus”, says the parrot.

The computer's swallowed Granddad                                                                                                        

Yes, honestly its true   

He pressed the key for enter

and disappeared from view.

It's devoured him completely,

the thought just makes me squirm.

He may have caught a virus,

or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin and files of every kind. 

I asked Jeeves in desperation my searches to refine

The reply from him was negative not a thing was found online.

"Prince Charles was walking the Corgis when one was run over by a lorry. ‘Oh! Dear’, he thought, ‘Mummy's not go to be pleased’. He noticed a queer bottle in the gutter, on picking it up and giving a rub a Genie appears. “What is your wish Oh Master? I can only grant you one wish”. The prince thinks for a bit then asks if the Corgi can be restored. The Genie looks at the squashed mess in the road and says, “I’m sorry that's beyond what l can do. but hold on a bit whilst I get on to the boss”. He gets on his mobile phone, then says; “as its you we have granted one more wish”, Prince Charles thinks a bit more. “Can you make Camilla look as wonderful as princess Diana?” There was a long pause, and the Genie says ”Er! lets have another look at that Corgi."

”This pregnant 62year old woman, what l want to know, is if she has been anywhere near John Prescott ?"

With that I place my straw boater on the tip of my cane give it a twirl and exit right.